some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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