xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
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