Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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