i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
