She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
