What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
