In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
