Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
