When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Randomize
