So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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