I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
the liver wants what the liver wants
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Randomize
