Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
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My underwear smells like fireworks.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
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do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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