Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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