the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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