so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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