I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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