Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
