Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
