Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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