Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
