I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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