i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
