Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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