Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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