The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Randomize
