Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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