i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Randomize
