I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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