It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
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