apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I forgot wine drunk hurts
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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