Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
