My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
