What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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