omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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