Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Randomize
