yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
