my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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