I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
