sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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