Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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