can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
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I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
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There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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