I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
