I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
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He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
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Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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