Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
