hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize