is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
