I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
