the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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