he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
