I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I need to align my fucking chakras
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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