I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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