was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Randomize
