i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
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I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
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But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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