John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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